Connection as Leadership

With the holidays here, kids are home more, school pressure is off, and the environment is often calmer. That makes this a powerful time to observe patterns, not fix behaviour.

What I’m sharing here isn’t a strategy. t’s a way of being.

Think of this as a gentle experiment over the holidays, something to apply daily and simply notice what changes. No charts. No rules. No pressure. Just presence

Connection as a Daily Way of Being

Where possible, hug your child with meaning throughout the day. Not rushed. Not conditional. Just real connection.

A hug.

Eye contact. If possible

A simple “I love you.”

If a hug isn’t possible, say it. Sign it.

Randomly. Without needing a reason.

If this isn’t something you do often, start small. Once a day is enough.

What you’re doing is anchoring safety, reminding your child they are loved and valued. You’re also supporting their nervous system by increasing oxytocin, often called the “love” or “connection” hormone, which plays a key role in bonding, trust, and emotional regulation.

Lisa Feldman Barrett describes this using the idea of a “full cup.” When a child’s cup is full through connection and care, they have more capacity to cope, adapt, and cooperate. When it’s empty, everything feels harder. Transitions, requests, emotions, and boundaries.

How This Becomes Leadership (Especially with Boys)

As my son has grown older, he’s gotten bigger, stronger, and more independent. What’s become clear to me is that the connection we build early becomes the foundation for leadership later.

Children, especially boys. Will naturally test leadership when it isn’t clearly felt. This shows up even more in single-parent homes, particularly with mums. Not because something is missing, but because children are biologically wired to seek certainty, containment, and safety.

This isn’t defiance.

It’s developmental.

John Bowlby called this the search for a secure base,

a caregiver who provides emotional safety and consistency. When that base is felt, children don’t need to push as hard to find it.

From a nervous system perspective, when leadership isn’t clear, children escalate to test:

“Who’s holding the structure when things feel big?”

Dan Siegel often refers to this as connection before correction, when safety and connection are present, behaviour settles naturally. When they aren’t, children test limits more intensely.

And leadership does not need to be masculine, loud, or forceful.

Leadership can be maternal.

Calm.

Steady.

Relational.

The bonding and connection described above is leadership. When it’s consistently felt, children will not test it as hard.

Connection Before Direction

One simple but powerful shift we made was connecting before asking for something we knew might be resisted.

A hug.

“I love you.

”Then:“

Can you go have a shower please -- yes?”

This isn’t about manipulation or compliance. It’s about regulating the nervous system before direction is given, so cooperation doesn’t have to be forced.

Over time, this builds trust, confidence, and self-belief. Which makes guiding children through adolescence far easier.

And the earlier you start, the easier it is to maintain, especially in the teen years.

Closing Reflection

If you are going to do this over the holidays, don’t look for instant results.

Just notice what changes when connection becomes the constant.

Sometimes the biggest shifts don’t come from new techniques,

they come from how safe our children feel with us.